Quarantine with Mini-Me / Crab Meat Au Rockefeller
When you have kids you expect all the things like sleepless nights...okay no, you don't expect any of the things. You read the books and talk to friends but you just are never ready. I will probably get in trouble for saying this but one of the biggest fibs women tell other women is you don’t remember the labor pain. On that note I also realize it's our natural maternal instinct to say that so that women will continue to have babies. Maybe it is just me but I remember it vividly. I had three babies, two with no pain medication, well one of those was with a misplaced epidural. Imagine that everything below is numb except for the part that was in pain, fun times. The third one a nurse convinced me to try an epidural again and I am glad she did. It was the best experience. I remember watching the contractions on the monitor and giggling “Ooh that was a good one!” I am not telling you what to do ladies but I have had natural, semi drugged and full epidural. All I am saying is there is no shame in the epidural game. When people used to get shot they would give them a piece of wood to bite down to remove the bullet, now they knock you out - you can have an epidural while bringing a whole new person in the world.
Anyway, Women fib about childbirth because no one would have babies if you're like,“No no it's like a bunch of tiny midgets with hammers and knives are attacking all your privates and insides and that's just the beginning and then they tell you it could be another 24 hours of this pain while it just gets more painful and frequent.” I once heard that having a baby is like having 16 bones broken at the same time and in any other situation you would die from that amount of pain and women do this everyday. Everyday there are women who are feeling the pain of 16 bones broken at the same time and then we keep doing it. That's why we lie to each other. It's true, it's like a serial killer on speed and trapped in your womb. The thing is you do forget for a moment all that pain when they give you your baby. The pain is extreme but the elation and joy is extreme. You will never feel a joy equal to it. So you have to fight the ultimate fight to get the ultimate gift. This is why women do it everyday because this pain is worth it. *Disclaimer this is just me. Other women may not remember the pain, you ladies are very lucky and I envy you.
What they don't tell you is there's a possibility that you are going to create an exact reproduction of yourself and all the emotions that come with having a mini-you.
First of all, it is spooky. When they're little you don't realize it because you don't remember what you looked like little. You're looking in the mirror and you see your face, you're very tired face - have two babies in two years, you don't even look like a human for 4 years. Then they hit preteens and you are like, this seems familiar. Then they get older and you see it. I remember the day Evye walked out in glasses and my oldest daughter walked out and went crazy. She said, “Go look in the mirror with Evye.” As we stood together looking we say it. It was trippy. It's like the Matrix or something. How is older me standing next to younger me? It's just very disturbing. There's two versions of me at the same time in the same place, doesn't this break some sort of time space continuum rule? I don't think it would be as disturbing if we weren't so much alike in not just looks but personality. Quarantine has really revealed this to both of us.
First of all, when there is another version of you walking around and you're fussing at them for doing things -, “Why do you have to walk so loud” and they answer “ Why do you?” All of sudden you start to see it. When she left the house after 3 months I realized. My house was so quiet and I have two other children here. The loud obnoxious version of yourself leaves and now the loud obnoxious person is you. When there are two of you it is like noise cancelling headphones you don't hear it anymore. Unfortunately, it doesn't cancel it for everybody in the house. Why my oldest rolls her eyes and says, “What is wrong with y’all” as she slinks back to her room to hide is very clear.
The first time I figured out Evye was fully my Mini-Me she was when she started making fun of me. She was looking at an old picture of me as a bartender, pointed at it and said,
“Who's this Mom?”
“You know that's me.”
“What happened?”
There it was, my smart ass coming right back at me. Torturing people I love is my favorite pastime just ask Robin.
Fast forward a couple weeks later at a department store, I'm in the shoe section and the two girls are playing in the lingerie section. I let them do it so they wouldn't bother me and I could shop in peace. All of a sudden in the middle of a crowded Dillards, Evye screams across the room,
“Mom” she then holds up the biggest pair of panties I've ever seen in my life. I could have fit a small elephant in them.
“I found your underwear!”
Then just proceed to crack herself up. Of course everyone starts giggling because let's be honest, that was some comedy gold. Obviously embarrassing me was the goal and it worked. Me being me, I knew I was going to get her back. It took me awhile but I did.
We were walking to school and it hit me. I said,
“You know what Evye, your face is my face and my face is your face.”
“Yeah, so.”
“So you get to watch yourself grow old. Welcome to your future Evelyn.”
The look of shock when it hit her!
“Oh that's not true.”
“You can't escape it -it’s genetics - you get to watch yourself grow old twice.”
Of course, she turned it back around on me. This child puts on moisturizer and many other things, constantly, all day.
“Why are you so obsessed with this?”
“Have you looked in the mirror?”
It is true that there's another torture - you have to see yourself with perfect skin, no wrinkles, the thinnest you ever were, no stretch marks, nothing, just you in all your youthful glory. The torture? How many times have we said I wish I could back and tell young me appreciate it, don’t be hard on yourself, you are beautiful. You can't even teach yourself a second time to not waste that.
She's me with confidence which is scary but amazing. How do you recreate yourself? I literally made an exact copy of myself down to my personality. I don’t think that actually happens that often. I have two other kids to prove it doesn't but every once in a while the stars align and weirdness happens and you create this crazy replica of yourself.
There's a sweet part - I've always had a problem loving myself. I didn't grow up loving myself and still in my forties it is a problem. A few weeks ago I had to write three of my best personality traits and I just couldn’t. I'm not good at that. So I called my best friend looking for advice and she said,
“Well isn't Evye just a smaller, younger, version of you and don't you love her and think she's amazing?”
“Of course! She's one of the most amazing people I've ever known.”
“Well you should go have her write her best traits because they're also yours and then it won't feel weird. Instead of answering it like you're talking about yourself, type the answers like you're talking about Evye.”
So maybe I'm supposed to have a mini me so I can learn to love the actual me.
