Bacon, Blue Cheese, Caramelized Onion and Bacon Flatbread/ You aren't staying for the kids
Every year this picture pops up. I remember this day vividly. It’s the day it hit me. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. My girls and I deserve better. We deserve to be loved and appreciated.
My advice for those who are staying for the kids:
Your children feel your pain and sadness no matter how hard you try to hide it. My oldest told me “ Mom you know we know you go to the backyard to cry or get sick” Children are a lot more intuitive than we give them credit for.
You are making this choice to teach your children to require more for themselves. That happiness is important. Your relationships are the examples they will base their future ones on. If they think it’s normal to live with sadness, bitterness, dishonesty, or abuse they will accept that in the future.
It’s scary to leave security but you will make it. Think of what you have already made it through and then think how much more you can do in a healthier and happier environment.
You will lose friends and family, that’s okay this is how you find who is truly there for you. This will hurt deeply, a kind of pain that leaves a sucking hole. Just remember this when things are getting good again and fill that hole with better people that know who you are.
Some will disappear or cringe when you bring it up. That is their shame, not yours. Most of the time I find it is either due to not wanting to get involved or feeling guilty they weren’t brave enough to say something to you or stand up for their friend. This will make you feel awkward and like you did something wrong. Try hard to fight the urge to mourn them, they are not your friends they are just somebody you used to know.
Don’t fall for other people’s advice, you do not have to settle because you have children, if nothing else you should require more. ( that took a while for me to get).
You don’t need a Knight in shining armor. You have your own horse, your own sword, your own armor and you damn well know how to use it. You don’t need to be saved,you need a partner to ride with. Until then you ride with your small brigade because y’all have everything you need to defeat what lies ahead. Haha, that’s now a joke in my little family. Anyone wrongs one of us I have been known to yell “ Girls gather your things, we ride at midnight”
It will be hard but it will never be as hard as sitting in your car alone crying because you feel trapped and so terrible about yourself that you don’t want to look in the mirror.
Not only are you healing yourself you are healing your children and loved ones. The people that care about you feel the pain of watching someone they love become a smaller and less joyful version of themselves.
If you aren’t sure if you should leave. Ask the person you know who will always tell you the truth. For me it was Robin, I hid so much of what I was going through that I assumed No one knew. I was wrong and she after watching me for years finally had enough and told me straight out. “You can hate me for this or never talk to me again, I don’t care I can’t watch this happen anymore” That person is your friend, the one who notices and says something. If you are that friend and don’t know how to say it just send this Lisa LeBlanc song, it says all you need to.Dump The Guy ASAP
Your partner will meet someone else. Why do we think of this? I don’t know possessiveness? No matter why it’s normal to worry about it. They may be happier with them and be a better partner. This will sting and make you angry, let it. Then let it go. Chances are you were never meant to be together that long. You can do a lot of things but you can’t fit a square peg in a round hole.
There is a chance that one parent alienates or pits the kids against the other. That is the ultimate fear. Chances are they are already doing it and you just don’t see it until you have separated. I don’t know how to stop this behavior. I believe if you give someone enough rope they will hang themselves. So if the other parent is lying or manipulating the situation to their benefit, just stay who you are. This is where I would seek advice from people in similar situations, chances are you know someone who has been through this.
You don’t know it yet, but one day you will look up and you will be surrounded by the people that truly love and appreciate you and your children and it will all be worth it. I promise you! It will all be worth it.
* Also you will be drinking a lot more caffeine and curse those movies that show single parents meeting the love of their life while perfectly made up and fresh as a daisy. You will be that person with two different shoes, you can only hold 5-minute conversations without going into your inner ever running schedule mode, walk over mystery puddles on the floor muttering “ I don’t care anymore”, you will silently judge two-parent households it’s okay just keep it silent.
Accept your organized chaos, it’s where true happiness lies. Someone will come along and decide that is just what they wanted they just didn’t know it.
