Curse of the Single Mom / Carrot Cake

It has been a while since I got a good rant out.

Seems it is about time to torture y'all with my petty aggravations. Today we discuss men and single Moms. As always this is just a generalization of people I have run into recently, I understand that not all men are like this. It just so happens lately this has been my experience.

For those who don't know, I am a single Mom who works multiple jobs to support my family. I am very lucky to have a great support system that allows me to make this happen. My days are dedicated to Momming and to my Real Estate business which luckily I can do the majority from the comfort of my home with just my offspring and dog to annoy me. Nights I spend writing recipes for the blog /a soon to be food section of the newspaper, cooking, prepping food, getting private dinner/ catering quotes out, more cooking, signing the endless papers from school ( do you really need me to sign off on a 7 year olds homework), working on my artsy-fartsy projects, thinking of new ways to hustle more income and all the other million tiny things that need to be done. This is a little bit of a lie I do all of this all day and night until that last glass of wine kicks in and I pass out. 

Weekends I spend outside in New Orleans’ ever smothering heat, selling rice and gravy to bar patrons and neighborhood folk. I know this sounds like complaining… well it is. I do appreciate the opportunity and will continue to take advantage of it but it’s hot as hades here y'all. Just this weekend I felt a bead of sweat start at the base of neck and roll completely down my body finding its final resting place in my shoe. Its army of friends quickly followed. Nothing sexier than a 43-year-old woman with her hair matted to her forehead, two boob sweat smiley faces, and damp feet. Needless to say, it shocks me that anybody flirts with me at all. Maybe its the fact I smell of gravy. I mean I can resist cologne but if a man smelled of good rice and gravy I don't know if I could stop myself. Haha, my Cajun is showing with that statement. 

More than the flirting is the strange comments that follow it. Most men find a moment to slink away after I bring up my girls, a few don't care and then there is the obnoxious ass-hat that has to tell me his opinion. Usually, he is an individual that I wouldn't want to share a bus seat with much less bodily fluids. First, I did not ask. Second, I do not care. My favorite was the man that felt the need to inform me he, "Couldn't be getting involved with all that."

How presumptuous of you sir, I never agreed to even share a drink with you much less bring you into my life. What makes these men think we are just going to move them in. Hey, girls, this dude bought a plate lunch, call him Daddy now. I have done marriage mister, you see how well that worked out for me. If you think about it, ladies like me are the best choice if you don't want commitment. We barely have time to shave our toe hair, where would we find the time to obsess over your comfortable shoe wearing ass? It is also insulting that you think I am that desperate. Just because I am a single Mom does not mean my value requirements have changed. If nothing else they have increased. If I am going to take the time to date or even hook up with somebody I am going to damn well make sure it is a good time. That man better have something interesting to say and know what he's doing if he is going to try to replace my cookbook reading/wine drinking free time. It takes a special person to drag me away from Jacque Pepin and Pinot. 

I don't know about all single Moms but the last thing I want is another being in my house. I already have three extra people to clean up after and try to figure out where all that damn toilet paper goes. Also, you would be lucky if we accepted you. There isn't an open door policy here. If you can't keep up with the banter you get voted off the island.

I probably should have kept my mouth shut, a talent I have not quite perfected. I did play with him a little bit though. When its 100 fucking degrees outside you have to get your shits and giggles where you can. I engaged him in just enough conversation to get my counter-attack in. 

"Yeah, I have to travel all the time for work. Iceland, San Francisco, Napa Valley, New York and so many more and when it is not for work it’s to support my numerous talented friends. I get to do something different every day. One day I am cooking for rock stars and the next I am jumping into the waves in Cuba. All of this and I go home to three of the most amazing people I have ever known and feel loved like I never have before. On my off days, I sit on my giant porch drinking wine and sharing stories with my very interesting friends. Good thing you couldn't be involved with all that." 

P.S.- You ever think why I have three kids? Seems I am also good at couple other things. 

P.S.S- If you are wearing a Salt Life shirt, boat shoes and seem as if you haven't read as much as a news article in 20 years, we probably are not a match.